Thursday, May 13, 2010

How to be unproductive at the studio...a ten step instructional program

What I thought was fatigue this weekend, turned out to be a 72 hour bug, complete with fever and chills. Tuesday, I remained home because I felt a little weary and wasted, the way one does after fighting off a virus. Yesterday, I meandered into some things looming, with the intention of accomplishing...something.

Instead, I've come up with the most effective way to waste away a full day that would have been, normally, productive.

Step one: Arrive late...but not too late

Just enough to kill a few minutes...or so... You're working for what's it matter when you get there, right?

Step two: pretend to set up shop.

This is very important. In order to appear productive, one must take the time, being sure to drag it out, to set up the scene. If it normally takes you five minutes to set up your laptop, get out your weaving tools, etc, then make sure it takes fifteen or twenty minutes. A minute wasted, is a minute of being nonproductive.

Step three: check email

People contact you, right? They need to hear back from you, right? It's important to reply expediently. It doesn't really matter if you spend a few extra minutes reading the SPAM out of morbid curiosity. Gotta clean out the SPAM folder anyway. And look...really, do I need to keep all 5,346 emails in my inbox? Maybe I should clear out a few. Oh, and while I'm at it, I'll just email Floyd, who is sitting down in the office also feigning productivity. That will help him out too. "re: looms. Here are the dimensions. I'm not sure if I measured the van right. Maybe you'd like to double check."

Step four: look for a movie on NetFlix, watch instantly, for background noise

I mean really, who can expect me to WORK without some background noise? Music is ok, I guess, but I need to download some new songs...I'm so tired of what's on my iPod...never mind there's Pandora, what do I want to "watch"...comedy? Drama? Old movie? TV show? There now...that killed another fifteen minutes.

Step five: Use interruption of loom transportation discussion to your advantage

"Maybe if we lay them down on their sides? I mean, really all of these parts can be removed..."
"That might just work"
"And that way we don't need a trailer."
"I'm liking the way that sounds."
"Me too. What time should we head out next Thursday?"
"Well I was thinking..."

Step Six: Eat Lunch

If you're really skilled at procrastination, steps one through five have successfully brought you to the luncheon hour. Be sure to keep lunch items at your studio, rather than pre-packing a sandwich. Never under-estimate the time it takes to make a wrap, or how long you can search for the ingredients. Remember to chew your food slowly, savoring each bite. Not only is it better for your digestive system, but at least another 30 minutes of your day can be frittered away. Be sure to continue the "Better loom transportation" conversation while dining. It will ensure your lunch lasts longer, as you cannot talk with a mouth full of food.

Step Seven: Drink lots of water

Lots of water = lots of potty breaks.

Need I say more?

Step Eight: Check e-mail again (someone might have written during lunch) and start NetFlix movie

It was sitting on pause all through lunch. Now the movie viewer has to be re-loaded. That will definitely cost five minutes total. Never discount the smaller time-wasters. They all add up.

Step Nine: Weave

Ok, you have to be a little bit productive to avoid the guilt of procrastination. This really is the secret to any successful "poor time management" plan. Move slower, distract yourself more often, take those potty breaks, but definitely complete a few inches of weaving.

Step Ten: Make sure your children attend a school where they don't bus the kids to or from their home.

Not only does this help with step number one, but also makes the day shorter. This is only a hindrance when actually attempting to accomplish something (which is 99% of the time). But since I'm not discussing being productive, but rather the opposite, in this case, it works in your favor.

Now, see if this easy ten step program works for you.

Individual results may vary. No Guarentees. Some persons may need to vary steps based on their own personal needs.


1 comment:

  1. Looks like I might have to install the 'nanny-cam' to keep an eye on you and Floyd - ~rar